11-17-11

I had lost 23 pounds. I have put 3 back on now so I am starting to freak out. I was looking at some pictures with my boyfriend the other day and he pointed out how much fatter my face was. Once I looked at new pictures next to the old I could really see the difference that I never noticed in the mirror. Refusing to go back to that, I have been getting up early again and working out. I need to find the motivation to do more than sit in front of the TV after work and I will be doing much better. Also, I have been eating out. Not as much as I use to, but more than I should.

Brian goes jogging most mornings but he still wants to lose some weight too. Maybe I can talk him into going on after dinner walks with me to burn off some calories. I only get to see him on weekends since he lives 2 1/2 hours away, but it's something.

Keirsten wants to lose weight so she can join the National Guard. She has gained about 12 pounds back and has to lose 40 if she wants to qualify. We need to work together to motivate each other. Right now we just motivate each other to be lazy. We have so much work to do!

11-11-11

Do you ever feel like you wish the whole world would just melt away? That's what I wished for tonight and I got it. And now I am feeling as if my heart and soul are being devoured by leeches sucking the life force out of me. I am desperate for company but trapped in a desolate design of my own making.


I have the most amazing boyfriend but after tonight he may change his mind about being with me. I am manic depressant. For the most part I am sunshine and happiness (manic), but then I have times when the sky starts to fall and the end of the world seems to be upon us. Today is one of those days. I take medicine to help me which works most of the time bit I can't just turn it off. I can't give you a reason for why I'm down tonight, I just am. Maybe the cat didn't run right to me when I got home. Maybe the power bill jumped up a whole dollar. Maybe I'm having a bad hair day (which I am by the way). The point is, because there is no specific reason why I'm sad, I have no way of knowing how to fix it. Hopefully I will wake up tomorrow and be a happy girl again.

This Week, the Real Work Begins

The gym I joined officially opened its doors last week. So, Monday, I hit it up with my daughter and friend Chris. It’s only $10 a month, but I am determined to get my money’s worth out of it. I did some elliptical, the stationary bike, and some weight exercises. By the end of the hour, I had worked up a sweat (my body doesn’t produce much sweat so it’s rare that I actually have beads of it on me; usually I just overheat and turn really red).  

Tuesday morning I felt great. I got up and did a 20 minute workout routine with Denise Austin and went off to work. Around 7pm that night I started to feel the effects of my workout. I wasn’t going to let it get me down, so I massaged the areas and did a little stretching and then went to bed.

By Wednesday, I was so sore that when I woke up, all I could manage of a workout was some light yoga. I stayed sore throughout the day but I didn’t allow it to keep me out of the gym that night. Again I did elliptical, bike, very little with weights, and some abdominal exercises. I got home, took a shower, and sat in my chair to watch a little TV. When I got up to go to bed, my legs were so sore I could hardly walk.

This morning, when I awoke, I was in someone else’s body. Some heavy, muscle cramped, sort of monster was lying in my bed and I was looking out through its eyes. I could not get out of bed. I could barely lift my lead. I was tired and sore and wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep and sleep away the pain. I hit snooze for an hour. I did not work out. I lay, curled up with my puppy, begging him to let me stay in bed. Trying to convince my dog that staying n bed would somehow benefit us both. Me being me, I got up, got ready, smothered my body with Ben-Gay, and went to work.

My coworkers laughed at me today but it’s ok. One, I can take a joke and can laugh at myself. Two, I have lost a pound since Monday. Not bad considering the fact that I haven’t been eating as healthy as I should be. Tonight, we hit the gym again. Might as well keep up the momentum! The soreness will go away with time.

Our Kids Are Growing Up Mindless Beings

When I was young I use to spend almost every waking hour that I was allowed, outside. I played cowboys and Indians, rode my bike, played war, had snowball fights, went swimming, raked and jumped in leaves, fished, played with toys, or just laid in the grass being lazy. I was perfectly entertained and I didn’t drive my mother too crazy. I had a Texas Instrument that was similar to what now would be the X-Box. I played it some but it bored me. Granted, games back then were nowhere near as exciting as today.

Most kids nowadays seem to lack imagination. We have raised our children using the TV as a baby sitter. SUVs come equipped with DVD players and TVs so that your child can watch TV for that 5 minute ride to the store. Heaven forbid they learn to look out the window and enjoy the beauty that Mother Nature has provided. When I was a kid and we would go on road trips, I was allowed 1 toy. This was only for a long road trip because the shorter trips did not require anything. If I got bored, I would play the alphabet game, trying to go straight through the alphabet by finding letters on signs and buildings. Some people say I was deprived. I think that I learned to use my imagination and that children nowadays are the ones missing out.

Life's Not Fair

"Life's not fair. You see I, I shall never be King. And you, you shall never see the light of another day." -Scar, the Lion King

People always want to complain about how cruelly life has treated them. It’s rare you hear someone say "you know, I should have known better and done differently". Sure, every once in a while life will throw you a curve ball. However, I dare say that 95% of the time, things that happen to you, good or bad, are due to your own actions. As a society we want to blame everyone else for our downfalls, our short comings, or our blatant ignorance.

I have had some pretty bad things happen in my life. For the longest time I would yell at people and carry a grudge on my shoulder, just be mad at the world.

When I was in my early 20s I tried to take my daughter and move to Illinois with my mom. The courts said that I could leave, but my daughter could not. I couldn’t afford my rent, my ex had no job and was violent. Somehow, he and his family convinced a judge that it was not in my daughter’s best interest to leave. I cried for about two hours straight after the judge’s ruling. I went to a friend’s house and I was explaining to her what happened. The tears quit falling. Not that they didn’t want to fall, it was just that I was completely cried out. At that point I looked at my friend and told her that I couldn’t cry anymore. I thought to myself “now I won’t cry anymore”.

That was a turning point for me. At that moment I decided that no matter how much I cried, the facts weren’t going to change. I could throw a pity party all day, every day, or I could get up and do something about it. I began working harder at work, trying to improve myself personally, learned a few new skills and forced a smile on my face. I now have a great job, I own my own home, I pay my bills with no help, and generally speaking, life is good. I still have to force that smile on my face once in a while but who doesn’t?

I guess the point in all this rambling is that if you continue to blame everyone else for things happening to you, you will never be truly successful. So quit blaming the President, your boss, your mom or dad, your husband or wife, other races, other religions, and start taking responsibility for your own life.

3-8-11

Randomness

The truth is, that no matter how hard I try, I can’t help but yearn for the happiness I felt when I was younger, at least, the perceived happiness. When I look back, I tend to forget all the bad things I went through. I forget about the stress of not being able to pay my rent, forget about the heartbreaks, and forget about the bad jobs. Rainbows and happiness are all I can find in the past. Yet, when I reach out to touch those memories, they turn into thick black smoke that eventually disappears as if they were never real.

Why do people say “I don’t like making plans”? Wouldn’t it be easier to tell the truth? All you have to say is “I really want to see if something better comes along before I commit to you”. The irony is that if you go on FaceBook, they will have all sorts of plans listed in their status updates.

A few months ago I had been seeing a guy. Things were going great until he stopped making time to hang out. I can take a hint so I backed off. For some reason unbeknownst to me, he refuses to let me go. He was the one that would never make time for me but now he wants to email and text me all the time. One evening at 9pm he calls and asks if I will meet up with him right then. I politely said no, that I have to be up at 5:40am so I was going to bed. He gets huffy and says “you said you wanted me to make time for you”. Oh, I’m sorry. I guess what I should have said was “make time for me at a time that will be convenient for both of us, not just you”.  Today, I have three texts from this fool telling me how much he misses me. I can’t imagine that I am asking for a lot by asking for him to make time to see me. he only works four days a week and we live ten minutes from each other. I figure that if he were truly interested, I wouldn’t have to ask. He would want to make time on his own.

Why do people ask why I’m still single? You could go ahead and say “what’s wrong with you”. That might work just as well. Honestly people! If I knew, I would try to fix it! it’s not like I sit around thinking of ways to keep the boys from wanting to come around.

March 6th, 2011

I've spent the night, hanging out with you
We shot a little pool, had a few drinks too
You are the one, I've come to confide in
But there's someone else's arms, you'd rather be in
I can't compare, and it's not my fault
It's the simple fact, that she holds your heart
It seems in "friend zone", I will solemnly stay
Though I'm sure in the long run, it's better this way
So I bite my tongue, and bide my time
I know somewhere out there, is someone I'll find

March 1, 2011

It seems like so much has happened recently that I’ve barely had time to think straight. The last week has been a roller coaster of emotions but it looks like the ride is coming to an end. I tend to be one of those people that let my emotions get the best of me for a short time and then after I’ve vented enough, I move on. I don’t keep everything inside, but I also don’t hold onto things forever. I may remember them, but I don’t allow those things to eat away at me.

The week started off with me thinking that I could lose my job. I work hard and I take pride in my work, but when I make a mistake, I beat myself up far worse than anyone else ever could. I made a few mistakes over the last year and they came to light this week. If the mistakes had been caught when I made them, it would have been huge. $10,000 fines just to start with. As the mistakes were made in the past and not caught until much later, I now just have a plan of action to keep these things from happening again. I went to my boss and discussed the situation. He wasn’t upset at all and told me to quit stressing. That makes me feel better!

I have a friend that lives in Wilmington that I am attracted to. I never pursued it because he lives so far away but that doesn’t change the way I feel. This girl we both know was also attracted to him. She is loud and domineering, everything he says he hates in a woman. So a couple of months ago she tells him that she likes him and miraculously, he decides that he likes her too. He has a bad habit of being attracted to whoever is paying attention to him at the time. His divorce from his first wife was finalized in January. He had the new girlfriend move across the state to be with him in that same month after only 4 months of dating and they are going to marry in May. Maybe I’m crazy, but that seems way fast. If your first marriage didn’t last you’d think you’d take a little more time with the second one, but what do I know? My feelings are a little hurt and I think they are insane but I will not rain on their parade.

I was supposed to go to Greensboro to go bowling with my besty and his girlfriend but a huge bill came up that temporarily crippled my funds. It ended up being a good thing though since I got roped into working this weekend. I’m not complaining about that because the extra $300+ after tax will be very nice!

My daughter has been beefing with a girl that lives down the street from us. The girl thinks that her boyfriend broke up with her over my daughter. So on Friday, the girl has her friends call my daughter and tell her to come down to the other girl’s house. When my daughter arrives there are about 20 people waiting for her. Four girls ended up jumping on her. They pounded her pretty hard leaving her face swollen, black and blue. I was ready to go kill some kids for the first couple of
days. I am not a violent person, but I think those kids deserve a beat down!

I met a guy online who seems to be promising so far. We are going to meet tomorrow night. Keeping my fingers crossed!

Finally, I met my weight loss goal again this month. Yeah me!

Somehow, I have managed to gain 7 pounds since Saturday. 7 pounds in 6 days. I thought maybe my doctor's scale was just different from mine, but when I stepped on my scale to confirm, I was saddened by the realization that I am not doing as much as I should be doing. After seeing it I asked my daughter if she wanted to go for a walk and she politely tells me no, that she went without me while I was gone. Great support system there.

The rest of my doctor's visit was great. I mean, apart from the whole laying on you back while he violates you thing. Lol My cholesterol is great, it's been over a year since I've smoked which made him happy, I'm eating healthier and working out more, my iron is good, and I don't have a cold or infection, just allergies. He was pleased and I am too.

My daughter had been accepted into middle college with the condition that she places into college level classes on the Accuplacer test. She didn't pass any of the 5 areas you have to pass. So now, if she doesn't get her butt in gear and study hard all weekend so she can try again on Monday, she will be stuck at her same ghetto high school she goes to this year. I can't do the studying for her. If she wants this, she has to put forth the effort.

I'm going hiking tomorrow with my ex boyfriend and two of our dogs. He keeps telling me that he's changed. This will be a good test. Will he come prepared with water for him and the dog as well as a light snack or will he still expect me to do everything. Will he start to whine about how far it is, how much longer, or his joints hurting or will he man up and just do it? We will find out tomorrow.

Valentine's Day came and went. It sucks when you're alone. It sucks more when others gush about how great their loved one is and what he/she did for them. I don't care about the holiday itself, I just want to find someone of my own. I rarely go on the internet dating sites anymore. If I am meant to be with someone, it will happen. I just need to learn to be patient. For now, I'm a little on the depressed side.

Feb 7th

Bad news this week. I gained a pound. Gasp! I can honestly say that I didn't do the best job eating this week but I did work my butt off. 3 hour hike, roller skating, hit the gym, and playing Just Dance all the days in between. I brought the bikes from my daughter's grandparent's house home yesterday. Each of them needs a new tire but after that, they should be ready to ride. Can't wait! Of course its supposed to snow this week so as soon as I get them ready to go, I won't be able to ride. Se la vie!

My cat is doing much better now after my daughter hit him with the car. He's still missing fur, but other than that, he's perfect. I did notice that he has become jumpy around cars now. I'm glad!

My sister added me as a friend on FaceBook. We haven't spoken in a year. I love my sister, but she constantly talks bad about my mom publicly and that bothers me. Its fine if she feels that way, but its not fine to air all the family's dirty laundry publicly. She had deleted me as a friend because she knew that my other sister or I had told Mom about things she was posting on FaceBook. I agreed to add her. I guess its time to move on.

I went to church for the first time in 15 years on Sunday. I often question religion and look at it as a way for people to explain the unexplained or a way to face death. There is something comforting though, in thinking that there is a greater purpose and a higher being. I do have trouble with the fact that someone that was a good person won't get to go to Heaven if they don't accept Jesus. What if they live in a remote village and they never even heard of Jesus? They would be condemned??? Seems a bit harsh.

1-29 The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Its been a week of ups and downs. A lot more downs than ups, but I'm thinking that will change starting today. No matter what life throws at me, I'm trying hard to keep a positive outlook. Negativity breeds negativity and I want to be positive!

My cat is recovering nicely after his brush with death the other day. It appears that only his tail was run over by the car. Its still missing a lot of fur, but the exposed skin is healing purrfectly! He's still not running around as much as he use to, but I would imagine that he is sore. Within a week or so, he should be good as new.

After my daughter told me she needed a graphing calculator for school, I freaked out a bit. I don't understand how a school can require you to buy a calculator that cost $100. I began hitting up my friends and coworkers to see if they had one or, in some cases, their child who is now out of college has one. My efforts paid off because a coworker found one at his house and he is going to give it to me for free.

The girl that was working with me is being moved to another department and they are not replacing her. I will have to pick up most of her workload. She honestly didn't do much, but it will add 6-8 hours a week onto what I already have. I was extremely frustrated by this at first but after throwing my little tantrum, I decided to make the most of it. I went to one boss and asked if she could have someone else do a few minor tasks that I perform. She agreed that it was a good idea. I went to another boss and asked him to take on a few spreadsheets I'm required to do. He agreed to do those. I went to a third boss (I have 4 bosses that I report to. Kind of feels like Office Space) and asked him to follow up on some issues -m having with another department so that I can streamline my work. He thought it was a great idea. All in all I managed to cut my load down by about 3 hours a week. Hopefully I can squeeze in the rest by working harder. If not, I will have to work some overtime but they will pay me for it. I am a pretty good negotiator!

I was supposed to go to Atlanta this weekend to meet up with a friend and his wife for his birthday. Friday, at the end of his shift, my friend was fired. I was upset to hear that but somewhat relieved when he said that he wouldn't be able to afford to go to Atlanta. When I received a picture message an hour later of him getting a pedicure saying "screw it. Its my birthday and I'm going to have fun" I was not only down hearted, but also disappointed in his behavior. If you're broke, then how can you afford a trip that will set you back at least $150??? My best friend told me that it was none of my business. My thoughts: if my friend were an alcoholic and I was going to a bar with him, I would be encouraging and enabling his behavior. Why is this any different? I personally don't think a good friend would keep their mouth shut and so.... I won't.

The best news of all, I finally weighed myself for the first time since December 28th. I have dropped 8.4 pounds. My daughter has dropped 6.2. Our work has begun paying off! Now just 61.6 more to go! I think I will kick that off by walking. 5K this morning. Hopefully, my daughter will come with me.

1-26

Today has been a frustrating day. I felt great when I left the house this morning, but not 5 minutes down the road, my daughter had me aggravated talking about her school. Email was out all morning at work. I called the IRS about some money I owe them and they weren't exactly willing to work with me. They aren't the only one who is broke! At lunch I was informed that I am losing my helper and my work load is going way up. Great. The whole reason they gave me someone to help is because I was overwhelmed. Then, my daughter calls to tell me about her first day in her new classes for the semester. She needs about $150 worth of supplies and the internet. I cut the internet off because I couldn't afford it. I use my phone but I realize that it would be hard to do research on a blackberry. After work, I went to the pharmacy to pick up the medicine I take to keep my stomach from hurting all the time. Only insurance no longer covers my meds and I have to go back to my doctor. I went home, ate dinner, and decided that I deserve a hot fudge sundae after the day I had. Pulling out of the driveway, my daughter hits my cat. Poor little guy is laying in bed with me hurt. Thank God he's alive and not seriously injured! Just bruised up a bit. I'm going to bed early tonight because I want this day to end as quickly as possible. Tomorrow is a new day and a new beginning.

Ok, I'm done with my pity party for now.

January 23rd

This was the third week of me trying to become healthier and by far the hardest yet. Part of it was my daughter not wanting to continue participating, part was my coworkers constantly eating fried foods around me, and part of it was my own willpower. They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit. I'm hoping that now that I've finished week three, I can call this healthier eating and workout habit and not a fad.

This week not only tested me, but my daughter as well. She had fallen off the wagon while spending the weekend at her father's house and basically refused to work out with me all week. I was having trouble motivating myself and now I had to find the strength to motivate her as well. By the weekend however, she was back on board with the eating, even coming up with her own ideas of things to cook, and she was back to working out with me. We went today and walked the same route as the 5K I had done a few months back. She stopped just after the 2 mile mark but I consider it progress for her. I finished the track in a minute and a half less than I did 3 months earlier. My goal is to go from the 51:09 5K I did today to a 40:00 by the end of the year.

I work in a department that consist of 8 people including myself. One of the men goes out every day to get lunch for himself and another girl to bring back to the office and eat at their desks. I have no way of avoiding it when they are in such close proximity to my desk. Considering they both need to lose weight themselves, I wish they'd cut that out.

I fought myself daily to workout. I didn't do it as much as I should have, but at least I can say I did it. The fact that I am extremely sore right now makes me feel good about my progress.

Week four begins tomorrow. I hope I can keep up the good spirit and find the drive needed to be successful at this endeavor!

First Blog Ever January 15th 2011

Last year I made my first New Year's resolution and I actually stuck to it. It was a simple one: getting to know my family better. This year I decided to have two resolutions, one simple and one not. The first one is to spend time with my daughter by getting out and doing things. The second and much more difficult one is to loose seventy pounds.

I had been watching the show Sarah Palin's Alaska and she inspired me. She was spending the summer with her family doing lots of fun things in her home state of Alaska. That is when I decided to get out with my daughter and do fun things here in our home state of North Carolina. Granted I don't have Mrs. Palin's funds or connections, but there are many things we can do without breaking the bank. I have my daughter typically during the week and every other weekend. My goal is to do 26 activities with her. We did our first activity last weekend by going to the Mint Museum in Charlotte. I never realized how much my daughter loves art. Not only did I learn about the art, learn some history, but I also learned about my daughter as well. All in all, it was a very successful trip!

Since I moved out of my mother's house 14 years ago, I have managed to put on 75 pounds. I weigh more now than I did when I was 9 months pregnant! I have wanted to loose weight for years but all too quickly my motivation disappears and I am right back where I started. I am hoping this year is different because I have a support system in place now. My daughter, 17, also wants to loose weight so we are working out together and trying to watch what we eat. Its much easier to do when we are both on board. Also, my best friend Anthony is also trying to loose weight. He use to weigh 500 pounds and has managed to loose 200 of that by hard work and dedication. He has taught me that turkey bacon taste good and that you can still eat things you love as long as its in moderation. The show I Use To Be Fat has also encouraged me and my daughter to get up and move. Just like what my friend Ant has said, they tell you that you don't have to change what you're eating 100% but that you can change some of the ingredients to take your dish from fattening to healthy.

My daughter is at her father's house for the weekend so I have to find my own motivation to get up and move. I have been tossing ideas around in my head as to what I want to do and I have settled on taking my dog Peyton to the park for a brisk walk. The high today is in the low 40s but the sun is out and I don't want to start off the year making excuses. So, I am off!